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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".