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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.