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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
How Big is Infinity?
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?