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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line