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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
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When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.