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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.