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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.