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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!