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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"