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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?