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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
So can we just skip to summer now?
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.