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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.