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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.