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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.