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How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.