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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.