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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don`t like people.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.