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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.