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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.