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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.