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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times