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New day, same old bullsh!t
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"