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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Does running out of money count as exercise?
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.