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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.