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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?