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I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime