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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.