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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.