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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?