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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.