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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.