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Partying on my level requires years of training.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.