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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.