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I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"