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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.