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Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!