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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.