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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.