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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.