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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.