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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
wants to rock and roll all night
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
morning i hate girls evening i need girls