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Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed