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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I have off-road rage, too
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!