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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.