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How does one get a nice body without moving?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Own the day
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"