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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Insert coin to view my status message.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?