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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.