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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.