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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."