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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.