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The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.