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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.