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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I hate when the remote is way over there
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.