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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.