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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.