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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.