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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.