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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.