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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today