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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.