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I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?