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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!