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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel