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Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.