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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
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