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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.