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Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Iām alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."