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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
This recliner and I go way back.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.