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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"