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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.